When you run into a problem, do you usually ask for help, or do you take it upon yourself to figure it out alone?
The way you answer this question might reveal something deeper about your interpersonal patterns and how you see yourself.
Being strong and independent sounds like a good thing. Many of us pride ourselves on solving problems by ourselves. But sometimes this habit comes at a cost.
What’s Stopping Us from Getting the Help We Need?
Often, it’s not the problem itself that keeps us stuck, but the beliefs we carry about what it means to rely on others. These beliefs usually sound like rigid rules:
- I must handle everything by myself.
- Everyone has their own problems. I don’t want to be another burden to them.
- If I ask for help, people will think I’m weak.
Over time, these thoughts can become so automatic that we don’t even notice them — yet they quietly prevent us from reaching out for the help we need.
How These Beliefs Are Formed
Many of these patterns trace back to childhood.
For some, it might be growing up with parents who were too busy to step in, leaving them with the sense that no one would respond if they asked for help. Over time, they begin to believe that no one will help them and learned to rely only on themselves.
I remember when I stopped sharing about my day at school early on in elementary school. Coincidentally, that was around the time my dad went to work in another country and my mom became busy too. It seemed like the absence of parents really affected how I deal with my problems.
For others, it might have been a terrible experience when reaching out. Maybe they were harshly rejected or even shamed when they asked for help. Eventually, they began to believe that asking for help is pointless even dangerous.
Or perhaps you were praised for being an “independent kid,” and that identity became part of your self-worth. Independence isn’t bad — it builds resilience and confidence. Problems only arise when it becomes a rigid rule: I must always do everything myself.
Why Asking for Help Is Actually Good for You
Here’s the paradox: asking for help doesn’t make you weak — it often helps you reach your goals faster. It saves time, reduces stress, and allows you to learn from others’ experiences. Most importantly, the act of giving and receiving help strengthens connection and reminds us of our worth.
Getting help from others doesn’t just make life easier; it makes it richer.
Steve Jobs once shared a story about asking for favors:
“…No, I’ve actually always found something to be very true, which is most people don’t get those experiences because they never ask. I’ve never found anybody that didn’t want to help me if I ask them for help… I called up Bill Hewlett when I was 12 years old and he lived in Palo Alto. His number was still in the phone book and he answered the phone himself. He said, “Yes.” I said, “Hi, I’m Steve Jobs. I’m 12 years old. I’m a student in high school and I want to build a frequency counter. And I was wondering if you have any spare parts I could have.” And he laughed and gave me the spare parts to build this frequency counter. And he gave me a job that summer in Hewlett-Packard working on the assembly line… I’ve never found anyone who said on or hung up the phone when I called.”
Actor Josh Brolin has shared similar stories about learning the value of asking. Early in his career, he didn’t have enough money to support his family and even turned to day trading just to make ends meet. He admitted that reaching out for help was uncomfortable at first — but once he did, he realized people were far more willing to support him than he thought.
Of course, this won’t be everyone’s experience. Background, culture, and timing all play a role. I’m not saying asking will always work. But if relying only on yourself has taken a toll on your mental health or cost you opportunities, maybe it’s time to start shifting this pattern, little by little.
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
If you’ve been taking care of everything by yourself, it was probably a survival mechanism that made sense at the time. Don’t make this another reason to criticize yourself — carrying that weight has already been difficult enough.
The good news is that you can start changing this pattern now. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to be the person who isn’t afraid to ask questions.
Because asking for help isn’t weakness — it’s connection. And connection is how we grow.